if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
