I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Randomize
