go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
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We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
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At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
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