Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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