I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
