What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
