I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?