I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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