All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
