My hair reeks of homosexuality.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
