You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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