he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
im six kinds of drunk right now
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
