I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
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When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
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Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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