Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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