thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
