I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
