So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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