why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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