I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
