found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if only i could text you this smell
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
