he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
