i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
