i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
ugly people sure do ruin things
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
