I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Randomize