On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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