Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
