its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
