so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
We had sex on a dog bed..
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
