I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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