i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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