i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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