Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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