i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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