The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
