I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
