i love accidental penises.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
