Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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