When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
All the doctor said was why
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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