When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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