remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
