if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Randomize
