Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
