his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
