I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
