i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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