she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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