he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
