When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
