Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
