You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
