Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
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He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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