I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
