i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
