I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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