i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
