I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
