at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
