We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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