Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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