C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
