3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
